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[Narrator] There is a secret test hidden within the SAT.
This test does not measure a student's aptitude
at reading, writing and arithmetic.
It measures a student's innate ability
to lie, cheat, fight, and kill.
Those who score well
are recruited into a secret paramilitary academy.
Some call them seductresses.
Some call them spies.
Fools call them innocent.
They call themselves D.E.B.S.
[parade playing]
* As far as I can tell
* It doesn't matter who you are *
* If you can believe
* There's something worth fighting for *
* The color of an eye
* The glory of a sudden view
* The baby in your arms
* The smile he always shoots at you *
* Kaboom
* Make it right, make it right *
* Kaboom
* Make it right, make it right *
* Kaboom
* Make it right, make it right *
* Kaboom
* Kaboom *
Good morning, D.E.B.S.
- [alarm blaring] - Attention, D.E.B.S.!
- [moaning] - Attention! Emergency alert!
That means report right now!
Right this second!
You have no time to sleep, ladies!
- Go, go, go, go! And I mean now, ladies! - Dominique.
The world might be destroyed while you're napping!
Come on, Dominique. Phipps is freaking out.
- I need you guys up! - Five minutes.
And no boys allowed upstairs.
Out.
What?
Let's go! I want everybody up!
- Janet. Five minutes. - Have you seen my gun?
Move it, move it, move it! Everybody in the house!
What did I do with it?
- [phone ringing] - D.E.B.S. Max here.
Amy, it's for you.
Hello.
No. No! I'm not...
I'm not talking about this anymore.
[French accent] Get out.
And take your clothes with you. I don't do laundry.
[Phipps] Come on. Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Move it, move it, move it! I don't have all day, D.E.B.S.
I do not have all day!
- [phone ringing] - Ten!
- Bobby, seriously, it's not a good time. - Nine.
- Eight. - When? When is a good time?
Stop calling.
- Amy! - [Phipps] Five.
- I'm coming. - Four.
[Bobby] After all we've been through together?
- Goodbye, Bobby. - [Phipps] Two, one.
[* rock music blaring over stereo]
[horns blaring]
- I broke up with Bobby. - What?
I broke up with Bobby.
Oh, my God! Why?
He was just so boring.
- He's an ass. - Ouais.
- What? - Oui.
I like him. I think he's sweet.
- I'm just not in love. - What?
- [music stops] - I said I want to be in love!
Why are you yelling?
Hi, Amy.
- Hey, Mr. P. - Don't call me that.
- Hey, Mr. P. - What's up, Mr. P?
Bonjour, Mr. P.
Hey, can I get a farmer's daughter short stack
and bacon, well done?
Tofu scramble, peach smoothie, non-dairy.
Cheeseburger, extra pickles.
Coffee, black.
We have a special guest with us this morning.
- Ms. Petrie. - Ms. Petrie?
[Max] She never comes down here!
Ladies.
Ms. Petrie, I just wanted to say
what a pleasure it is to finally meet you.
No time for pleasantries.
Phipps, a matter of some urgency has come to my attention.
Lucy Diamond is back in the States.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit. - You're kidding.
I'm writing my thesis on her.
I expect to be kept in the loop on this one.
[claps hands]
Let's show some hustle.
[wind whistling]
Wow.
I can't believe she's back.
Who's Lucy Diamond?
Lucy Diamond.
She's the last surviving member
of the Reynolds crime syndicate.
Her family did battle with the Schaffers
in a vicious blood feud that lasted a decade.
After her father's death,
she inherited the keys to his kingdom.
Illegal arms-running, smuggling, gambling,
and her specialty, diamond theft.
She's protected by a loyal band of mercenaries
led by this man, Scud.
It is believed Lucy Diamond was behind the plot
to sink Australia in '99.
Three attempts have been made to apprehend her.
All failed.
In 2003 she went underground
and has not been seen or heard from since.
Yikes.
That's not even the bad part.
What's the bad part?
No one has ever fought her and lived to tell about it.
Oh.
Peach smoothie,
farmer's daughter, tofu scramble,
and cheeseburger.
Coffee.
So, why do you think she's back in town?
Our intel suggests she's in town to meet this woman.
Ninotchka Kaprova.
Ex-KGB, now freelance assassin.
They're scheduled to meet tonight, 2000 hours.
Find out what Lucy is up to. Strictly surveillance.
Do not try to apprehend her yourselves.
Max, you're in charge.
Amy, you're second.
And, D.E.B.S., be careful.
What does a reclusive criminal mastermind want
with a Russian trained killer?
Your scheduled meet, 2000 hours.
- Where'd you find her? - Zeda tipped us.
Said she's available. She's in from Prague.
Relocating stateside.
- [Lucy] Assassin? - Check.
Where's the meet?
Les Deux Amours.
[Scud] Trendy, yet discreet.
Cancel it.
Why? It's all set up.
I don't do blind dates.
Yeah, well, it's not a blind date
if you know what they look like, OK?
Just tell her I'm not coming.
Say I came down with something.
Come on, Lucy, it's been two years.
You have to get out there.
I am out there.
I went out with that drummer,
the girl from the band that talked really loud.
You didn't go out with her. We all went out together.
And then you lied and said you had food poisoning,
and you went home early.
Yeah, well, she talked really loud,
even when you were right next to her.
Look, I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to drown yourself
in your little schemes to destroy the world,
but you need to get over it already, OK?
- You were dumped. - I was not dumped.
Oh, you were dumped hard. And that sucks.
And you took your time off to go to Antarctica or whatever.
Reykjavik. It's in Iceland.
But now it's time to get back in the game, Lucy.
You've got a date tonight with a beautiful Russian assassin,
and you're gonna show up.
- Lucy. - Fine.
OK, I'll go. I'll be there.
Just promise me you'll be open.
Open to what?
Open to love.
Hey, look. Look. Check this out.
Ms. Petrie is handpicking girls for the International Bureau.
I'm gonna see if I can get an interview.
Do you think Mr. Phipps
would let me take some time off after endgame?
What are you talking about?
I don't know. There's this art school in Barcelona.
Art school?
Amy, you're the perfect score.
You could have your choice of any assignment you want after endgame.
Who's your best friend?
You are my best friend.
And what did I say to you the very first day of academy?
"That's my bunk, bitch."
OK, after I said that.
- "D.E.B.S. stick together." - Exactly.
We've been through four years of hell,
and now we're top squad, right?
We're just gettin' to the good stuff.
So you're not gonna ruin it all by going to art school.
- Am I right? - Yes. You are always right.
You need to put it here.
Don't be an idiot for once.
You need to speak English or French.
Frenglish is not a language.
[phone ringing]
D.E.B.S. Janet speaking. Over.
Janet, put her on.
[whispering] It's Bobby.
[whispering] I don't wanna talk to him.
She doesn't want to talk to you. Over.
Bullshit! I need to talk to her.
Copy that.
He really needs to see you.
He should not call her. It is embarrassing.
Bobby, I told you, it's over.
Over.
But we've gotta talk.
I'm serious. No.
Amy, we need to talk.
Jesus, Bobby, what are you doing here?
You think you guys are the only ones onto Lucy Diamond?
Everyone's here, the Feds, the CIA.
- Can't believe it. - This is supposed to be our stakeout.
Always sticking their heads in our business.
It's unbelievable.
Could you guys excuse us for a minute?
Why do you have to be such a jerk about everything?
Well, when my girlfriend breaks up with me for no reason
after eight months, excuse me if I'm a little hostile.
- It's not for no reason. - Well, then give me one.
I just want more.
- More what? - I don't know.
What are they saying?
I'm not gonna spy on them.
You are a spy, dipshit.
- Is there somebody else? - No, there is nobody else.
Because if there's somebody else, I swear to God...
- Look, I just... - Speak.
I'm not in love with you.
Well.
I guess nobody's good enough for Little Miss Perfect Score.
Shut up!
Oh, yeah, you'll be back.
You can do this.
Why is it I can hold the whole world hostage,
and I'm scared of going on one stupid blind date?
Because love is harder than crime.
OK, now, knock 'em dead.
But not really.
Sure.
Are you OK?
[Dominique] Hey, she's arrived.
[Max] OK, we've got visual.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
I, um... I got lost.
[Russian accent] It is no problem. I was early.
- I have that sweater. - What?
I have the sweater she's wearing, but in taupe.
Really? Where did you get it?
- Target. - No way.
Silence!
Um, I'll have the, the Cobb.
And some wine.
[stuttering] Do you want wine?
Vodka.
Vodka. Please.
Wow. Lucy Diamond, she's...
- What? - Real.
I never thought I'd see her in person.
- Yeah. - They also have it in teal.
So you're an assassin?
Da.
How does that work?
Hmm. It's mostly freelance.
So you basically, what, you kill, like, whoever?
Sometimes maim.
Maiming's more.
What are they saying?
They are talking about killing
- and how to kill and who to kill. - Oh, God.
But I do it just to pay bills.
- Really? - Mostly.
I want to be dancer.
- Oh, yeah. Can I have my bracelet back? - What are you doing?
My dad got that bracelet when he graduated Quantico.
Greatest dance instructor in Russia,
but I can't afford to pay, so he say,
"My wife is cheating on me.
You kill her lover, I give you free lessons."
Fine, OK.
Oh, my God.
First man was goat farmer, so I use goat shears.
Second man, he likes chickens,
so I took six chickens and put him through...
- What's wrong? - Oh, you know, I just...
I'm feeling really ill. It's my stomach. I, um...
- I think I have food poisoning. - Are you blowing me?
- What? - Off.
- Are you blowing me off? - No, no, no.
[people screaming]
Let's do this.
Was it something I said?
No. No. Look, I just...
I just got back into town, you know, and...
And I just got out of this relationship...
I'm not asking for relationship!
It's not you. You seem really, really nice, you do. It's me.
Baby, I can change.
[gasps] Guys.
I'm just not interested.
[explosion]
You know, you will die alone.
Amy, Janet, head Lucy off by the kitchen.
Me and Dom are gonna take the back.
Mr. Phipps ordered us not to engage her.
Janet...
Who here isn't gonna graduate?
- Me. - Oh. Why?
I haven't earned my stripes.
Oh, would that be this thing here?
And why is that?
You need to give me a recommendation.
- I don't see why you just... - Zip!
Not what I asked.
I need to show courage
in the face of unspeakable danger.
Exactly.
So quit your whining and follow my orders.
Let's go!
OK. I'll check the parking lot. You go that way.
- Stay in communication range. - But Mr...
Uh-uh! You can do this, Janet.
[whispering] Janet! Are you there?
[static crackling]
[both groaning]
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
- I am so sorry. - I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, shit.
- You're Lucy Diamond. - You're a D.E.B.
You have the right to remain silent.
You're reading me my rights?
Anything you say can
and will be used against you.
- OK, here's the thing. - Yeah?
I am really not up for dying today.
Me neither.
So I was thinking that, uh...
Why don't you put your gun down?
You're the criminal, and I'm the cop,
so I think I'm technically more trustworthy.
Except for I was totally minding my own business on some stupid blind date
when you guys started to rain shit all over me.
Wait.
- You were on a blind date? - Whatever.
With that Russian girl?
- What? - Nothing.
I just... I didn't know you were a...
- Why would you know? - Wow.
That really torpedoes my thesis.
Your thesis?
I'm writing a term paper on you.
[laughs] You're kidding me.
No, it's for Capes and Capers:
Gender Reconstruction and the Criminal Mastermind.
It's a really popular class.
- Oh, come on. - But it's hard
because there's only anecdotal evidence
about you.
I mean, nobody's actually ever spoken to you.
Until now.
Right. Until now.
I'm sorry. I didn't get your name.
Oh.
Amy Bradshaw. D.E.B.S. Sector 1.
Lucy Diamond.
It's really nice to meet you.
You're still, you know, under arrest.
Am I?
[Janet] Amy!
You know, you could just let me go.
- I really couldn't. - Come on.
Haven't you ever done anything you're not supposed to?
[Janet] Amy, where are you?
I'm over here.
Son of a bitch!
Oh, my God! Are you OK? We couldn't reach you.
I'm fine.
Well, what happened?
She was here.
Lucy Diamond was here.
That's impossible.
If she was here, you'd be dead right now.
You guys...
Sweet Jesus.
Do you know what this means?
You are the only one ever to fight Lucy Diamond
and live to tell about it.
[* Another Girl, Another Planet playing]
What a disaster!
I am so sorry.
Leave it to the D.E.B.S., you're in town a week,
and they're all over you, just grabbing...
- * I always flirt with death - What?
* I could kill, but I don't care about it *
- Really, what? - I met somebody.
[tires screeching]
I knew it. OK.
I mean, it was weird, the thing about the dance,
but I had a feeling you and Ninotchka were...
No, no, no. Scud,
Ninotchka was a train wreck, thank you.
I'm not following you.
OK, first of all,
swear to me you are not gonna freak out about this.
- Freak out about what? - You know, sometimes...
Oh, my God! Who is it?
OK, what do you know about an Amy Bradshaw?
Amy Bradshaw. The girl from the smuggling op.
- No. - No.
* I think I'm on another world with you *
* With you
Oh, my God.
Amy Bradshaw?
Blond hair?
Plaid skirt?
She's a D.E.B.
OK, not only is she a D.E.B.,
she is the D.E.B.
She is the perfect score.
What's that supposed to mean?
Amy Bradshaw is the only person ever
to get a perfect score in the secret test in the SAT.
- Give me the keys, Scud. - Are you listening to me?
Perfect score means perfect spy.
She is their pride and joy, she is literally their poster child.
Yes, well, their poster child doesn't know it yet, but she is into me.
You can't be serious.
Would you say back on the horse?
Where are you going?
[exhales] Back.
* Ain't nothing I can do about it *
* I'm on another planet with you *
* With you
Yes! She's great!
[tires screeching]
* Another planet
* Who's holding you down?
* Another planet *
[* Love Cats playing]
[Lucy] You stay here.
Lucy, I beg of you...
All right, D.E.B.S. Show me what you're made of.
* We move like cagey tigers
* Oh, we couldn't get closer than this *
* The way we walk, the way we talk *
* The way we stalk, the way we kiss *
* We slip through the streets while everyone sleeps *
* Getting bigger and sleeker and wider and brighter *
* We bite and scratch and scream all night *
* Let's go and throw all the songs we know *
* Into the sea, you and me
* All the years and no one heard *
* I'll show you in spring it's a treacherous thing *
* We missed you hissed the love cats *
* We're so wonderfully, wonderfully *
* Wonderfully, wonderfully pretty *
- [whispering] Amy. - Oh, my God!
Jesus!
OK, just hold on.
What are you doing here?
- I wanted to see you. - Why?
Well, I was thinking about what you said about, um, your paper.
My thesis?
Uh-huh, and look, I think it's stupid
for you to do all this outdated research
- when you could just come straight to the source. - You?
Come out with me. I'll let you ask me anything.
- I can't go out with you. - Why not?
Like, a zillion reasons.
Well, now you have to come out with me.
[thudding]
Janet, what are you doing?
I don't know who that is, but he ruined my sweater!
- I don't know who you think you are. - Janet, no.
[screams]
Did you go to Dalton?
Yeah.
Where are you taking us?
Where do you want to go?
Home!
What are you doing?
[screaming]
Come on.
Look, these tunnels go on for miles,
so you guys could be lost in there for days, even weeks.
OK. Suit yourself.
[* dance music playing]
I have to pee.
[* Emerge (Junkie Xl Remix) playing]
* You don't need to
* Emerge from nothing
* You don't need to
* Tear away *
Want a beer?
No.
Come on.
Sit down.
So how long you been a D.E.B.?
You're gonna have to talk to me sooner or later.
Look, I don't know what you expect to accomplish
- by bringing me out here. - Would you lighten up?
I know there are a shitload of questions
you're just dying to ask me.
Come on, tell me about your thesis.
It's stupid.
Well, try me.
Um...
I guess my central hypothesis
is that as a woman operating in a male-dominated field
you often need to overcompensate
by being exponentially more ruthless and diabolical
- than your established male counterparts. - I am not more ruthless.
I think an argument could be made that you are,
i.e. we're here.
That's interesting.
Continue.
And I think that these psychological forces combine
to create a kind of emotional void
in which you're incapable of loving or being loved.
See, that is so not true.
- What? - I'm open to love. I am!
I'm sorry. It's just a theory.
Yeah, well, what the hell do you know about it, anyway?
Nothing.
I just broke up with my boyfriend, like, five hours ago.
I'm sorry. That sucks.
Thanks.
Why did you break up with him?
I don't know, it just, it wasn't...
I think love should be irresistible, like a drug.
You know, I think when it happens
you should just not be able to help yourself.
I just... I wanted more.
Babbling.
No. You're not at all.
This is so weird. I...
Why aren't you killing me?
Not into that.
But you killed those agents in Antarctica.
Oh, they died of frostbite or something. I never even met 'em.
And those ATF guys in Peru?
Ebola.
You're so not what I expected.
Well, I think that's a good thing.
So, what's up with Ninotchka?
Oh, God, she's such a head case. Jesus Christ!
Where do you meet somebody like that?
Yes!
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but your friend appears to be hitting on my friend.
You're not wrong.
Yeah, but my friend's not into that.
So Bobby's just, like, all over me,
and I just feel like he doesn't get me, you know?
Do you ever feel like that? Like nobody understands you?
Yes, all the time.
I am really glad I met you.
I'm really glad I met you, too.
I should go.
OK.
Am I gonna see you again?
Do you wanna see me again?
I mean, I'm breaking, like, eight federal statutes
being here with you right now.
Yes, I know.
I could get kicked out of the D.E.B.S. for this.
For what?
Oh, my God! She almost kissed you.
And you almost let her!
You owe me 50 bucks.
- Amy. - Take me home.
- It's OK. - Take me home.
- Amy. - What?
Well, when can I see you again?
- You can't. - Come on.
I'm serious. We cannot do this again.
[Janet] Amy.
I have to go.
I'm gonna come find you.
[groans]
What just happened?
Nothing happened.
She was totally going to kiss you.
You're so into her.
I am not!
You violated a prime directive.
Plus, hello, it's a girl.
- You're so busted. - No, I'm not.
You violated the section codes as much as me.
D.E.B.S. Code Section 1, Article 2.
"D.E.B.S. will not consort with any known enemy of the state,
under penalty of treason."
- I was not consorting. - You exchanged e-mails with Scud.
- But that's not the same. - And remember the time you got drunk
and nearly got the chancellor of Bulgaria killed?
That wasn't my fault.
And remember how I covered for you?
- I never told anybody. - But it...
If Max found about that, you would never,
ever get your stripes and never graduate.
I can't believe you.
Not a word. Nothing happened.
Where have you been?
Um, I couldn't sleep, so I took a walk.
I was really upset
about Bobby.
Yeah, Bobby.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot, I'm sorry.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Good.
You know what? I can't stop thinking about Lucy Diamond.
You too?
Yeah, I feel like she's playing
some type of sick game of cat and mouse with us.
Mmm.
I don't know.
Hey, but you guys be careful, OK?
Good night.
Yeah. Be careful.
[door closes]
Oh, my God, is it true? Did you really fight Lucy Diamond?
I heard that you cut off her hand.
- Does she still have her hand? - Yes,
she still has both of her hands.
God.
- Everybody's talking about it. - About what?
How you met Lucy Diamond and lived to tell about it.
They're calling you a hero, when, really, you're a slut.
Shut up.
A gay slut.
I'm not gay!
Ms. Petrie wants to see you.
What? Janet!
What's going on?
Madame Petrie!
She's coming down.
Here? Why? She never comes here.
[whirring]
Ms. Petrie, I would just like to say...
Who are you?
- Max Brewer. - Well, Max Brewer,
my time is precious. You're wasting it. Where's the girl?
Bradshaw, Amy?
[Petrie] Ah.
You.
Excellent. Well, come over here.
Right there.
Excellent. Sit.
Jill.
[sighs]
First...
- Amy. - Amy.
Let me just say how delighted I am to meet you.
When I heard that one of our own girls had actually
engaged Lucy Diamond and lived to tell the tale...
I mean, Fred, over at Central Intelligence,
nearly peed his pants, he was so jealous.
This stunt is really going to put the academy on the map.
[lisping] Lisa from Interpol called to extend her congratulations.
I'll bet.
This is just too much fun!
Now, Alice...
- Amy. - Amy.
We are going to need
a description of the encounter.
The encounter?
Everything that happened,
no matter how small or seemingly irrelevant.
- Why? - To develop a profile.
Of course, nobody's ever been
this close to Lucy Diamond before.
You, for all intents and purposes,
are our leading expert.
Oh, I don't think I'm an expert at all.
You underestimate yourself.
[clears throat]
I took the liberty
of accessing your private files.
What?
"It's a Man's World.
Lucy Diamond and the Psychology of Cultural Criminality.
- Oh, God. - "Lucy Diamond
is at once a narcissistic sociopath
and a victimized girl-child,
eternally searching for the love of her father.
Her crimes could be viewed as a desperate cry for help.
The more she steals, the deeper her feeling of emptiness."
Annie...
- Amy. - Amy.
I think you identify with Lucy Diamond.
I think she sees your pathos.
You've got some dangerous union symbiosis going on.
What's that movie with Jodie,
and the little dog falls in the well with the lotion?
Silence of the Lambs.
You're the lamb, Amy.
We can use that to our advantage.
I'm putting you in charge of this investigation.
- What? - Comment?
You are hereby promoted to Squad Captain.
No.
- Is there a problem? - Um...
Excuse me, ma'am, but I am the Captain of this squad.
- Miss... - Brewer.
Brewer. There is a killer on the loose.
There is no time for egos.
This is not the Girl Scouts, this is espionage!
We have a chance to do something here.
You have a chance to do something.
Don't let us down.
Ready your troops.
You head out at 1400.
That's all.
Max!
Max.
- Max. - What?
I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear to God.
I don't even wanna be Captain.
That's just it. You don't even want it.
Boys fall at your feet,
the whole school kisses your ass,
and Mrs. Petrie makes you Squad Captain.
You'd be just as happy drawing in your stupid little book.
I just don't understand why you have to take away
the only thing I have going for me.
- Oh, Max... - Just...
Whatever.
It's fine.
Just promise me one thing.
What?
You catch the bitch.
[alarm blaring]
[girl] Lucy Diamond is on the move!
Robbery in progress! Code 99!
[* Take Me To The Backseat playing]
* Don't wanna go to the mall *
* Don't wanna go to the movies *
* I think we've done it all
* Just take me to the back seat *
The bank employees are being held hostage.
Lucy and her cohorts are still inside.
Apprehend the suspect, recover the money.
The bank is coming up on your left.
D.E.B.S., be careful.
* You don't wanna get high
* I don't wanna get low
[man over walkie-talkie] D.E.B.S. spotted en route. ETA two minutes.
Copy.
* Honey, please
* Just take me to the back seat *
D.E.B.S. en route, two minutes.
Do I look OK?
This is retarded.
* Don't wanna be your friend
* Don't try to take me home
* This won't happen again
* Just take me to the back seat *
Bradshaw?
What?
The plan?
Oh, OK. Formation Alpha Kappa Gamma.
Let's do this!
* Just take me to the back seat *
* Where no one else can see I know you're into me *
* Just take me to the back seat *
* And get ready for me, honey, please *
[whooshing]
What was that?
She's here.
She's watching us.
- [whooshing] - Jesus.
[inaudible] Come here.
[inaudible] I can't.
[whispers] Come here.
Oh!
What are you doing?
Nothing. Let's go.
[muffled shouting]
We'll be right back.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
What?
It's a trap.
Whatever.
Wait!
Why are you giving me such a hard time?
Fantastic. This is great.
If you're gonna do the job, do the job right.
Creepy shadows, no bad guys, enclosed space. Trap.
You think I can't handle it?
No, I know that you can't handle it.
And you know what? I don't care if you are the perfect score.
Perfect whore.
You wouldn't know Alpha Gamma
if it was tattooed on your forehead.
- Guys. - This is stupid. We are going to die.
No, it's OK.
As your Senior Officer,
I order you to secure the vault, soldier.
- You order me? - You heard me.
Fine.
See, that wasn't so hard.
I think you guys owe me an apology.
[Amy screaming]
[metal grinding]
Trap.
[screaming]
What are you doing here?
I just... I wanted to apologize for last night.
I was out of line.
You have to release them.
Who?
The hostages.
And put back the money.
This thing has gotten way out of hand.
Damn it! Damn it!
Please don't smoke.
Please?
Oh, my God, tell her not to smoke.
There's not enough oxygen.
Soon we're gonna run out of air,
and we're all gonna be all faint on the floor,
and the air that's gonna be left
is gonna be toxic.
This is bullshit.
[gasps]
This cannot get any worse.
[electricity surging]
Trap.
Don't you understand? I can't be here.
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stress you out.
I'm not stressed out!
Oh, no.
- It's not possible! - No!
I'm such a freak. You must think I am such a freak.
- I don't. - I'm sorry I wigged out last night.
It's OK.
I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
Yeah, OK.
- I mean, I really like you. - Right.
But I don't "like"
like you.
Yeah, yeah, I gathered.
That's why I brought you here, so we could,
you know, sort of clear the air between us.
It's really sweet of you to go to all this trouble
to shoot and all.
But my friends are gonna wonder where I am.
- No, they're not. - Why?
No reason.
Lucy!
Going to be squashed, be squashed.
- Oh, no! Oh, no! - Oh, my God. Lucy!
Come on. It's not like they're gonna die or anything.
[Janet squealing]
Let them out. I'm serious.
OK. Jesus. Booby trap deactivated. Happy?
[gears stop whirring]
That wasn't funny.
It was kind of funny.
I can't.
- I gotta go. - No, no, I'll go.
Look, I understand
this whole thing isn't gonna work out between us
because obviously I misinterpreted the whole situation,
but...
I just want you to know
that last night was the most alive I've felt in a while.
So I guess I'll see you around, same bat-time or whatever.
Come with me.
Come on. What do you have to lose?
Everything.
[gasps]
Oh, my gosh. Lucy Diamond has Amy.
You guys, she's been kidnapped.
A D.E.B. is down.
We will spare no expense.
We will leave no rock unturned.
We will not rest
until we see that she comes back safely.
- [* Temptation playing] - * Up, down, turn around
* Please don't let me hit the ground *
* Tonight I think I'll walk alone *
* I'll find my soul
- [Lucy] No, no! - * Up, down, turn around
* Please don't let me hit the ground *
* Tonight I think I'll walk alone *
* I'll find my soul as I go home *
* Up, down, turn around
* Please don't let me hit the ground *
* Tonight I think I'll walk alone *
* I'll find my soul as I go home *
Une D.E.B. est prise...
Eine D.E.B. ist gefangen worden.
- Cayo una D.E.B. - * Up, down, turn around
* Please don't let me hit the ground *
* Tonight I think I'll walk alone *
Amy, where are you?
I know you're out playing hooky with Lucy,
but they have the whole school looking for you.
Bobby, everybody.
Call me.
You know where she is?
Do you know where she is?
[both yelling]
How about this? You won't answer me?
[inaudible]
Amy, oh, my God,
if you don't come back, I'm telling.
I am telling your mother.
I'm calling her and telling her right now.
* Oh, it's the last time
* Oh, I've never met anyone
* Quite like you before
* Oh, I've never met anyone
* Quite like you before *
Seriously, Amy,
I'm sorry I left such a mean message.
Just...
[sighs]
Please come home.
[Amy] So then this mysterious man shows up at my high school
and hands me this letter
which is, like, "Congratulations,
you've just been accepted into Jameson University."
And I'm like, "I didn't apply to Jameson University."
Our government's freaky that way.
Yeah.
So what does it measure, this secret test in the SAT?
I don't know.
You never asked?
No. It measures spy stuff.
- What? - It's just weird that you let this test decide
what you're going to be and you don't even know what it is.
It doesn't decide what I'm gonna be.
It's an aptitude test.
It measures aptitude, I guess.
OK.
You should do what you're good at.
No, you should do what you love.
I am doing what I love.
Why are you psychoanalyzing me?
I'm not psychoanalyzing you.
I mean, just because I'm not some
badass master criminal,
doesn't mean that what I do is not important.
I didn't say it wasn't important.
Do you love a life of crime?
Yeah, I do.
So you get a kick out of taking money
from hard-working, honest people.
- What is your problem? - I just...
I don't think you should be judging me.
I'm not judging you.
I'm not the one that got picked out
of a gajillion people to be Miss Super-Duper
Crime-Fighting Goody-Two-Shoes.
I've never been perfect at anything.
Look,
I didn't wanna be a criminal.
I wanted to be a pirate.
[scoffs]
Pirates are criminals.
Oh.
Whoops.
I wanted to go to art school.
- Art school? - In Barcelona.
You should go, you should do it.
Maybe.
After I make the world safe from people like you.
[sighs]
I don't know what the test saw in me.
Everybody thinks I am gonna make this perfect spy
but me.
I guess I'm proving them all wrong now.
Is that what you're doing with me? Sabotaging your spy career?
I'm here because I feel more like me when I'm with you
than I do when I'm with me.
Look, let's just forget we're here, OK?
And let's just pretend we're in Barcelona, and you're in art school,
and I'm renting sailboats to tourists.
And nobody is a superhero, nobody is a villain,
we're just us.
[phone ringing]
Max here. This better be really good.
[Ninotchka] Da, you are the D.E.B.S.?
Who is this?
I know where your friend is.
We've got a lead on Amy. Let's go.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
[phone ringing]
Get your ass over here.
We got a lead on Amy.
And no boys upstairs after curfew.
Out.
Pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up...
[machine whirring]
- Ow! - My God. I'm so sorry.
Did you snap my bra?
- No. - Yeah, you did.
That hasn't happened to me since sixth grade.
I was trying to be smooth.
- [snapping] - Ow!
- What? - You're dead.
- You did it first. - You're dead!
And bingo! I am the god of bingo.
[alarm buzzing]
Breach.
[whispering] Bingo. Bingo. Bingo.
Bingo!
[roaring]
[all grunting]
- Say mercy. - No.
- Come on. - No.
- Say mercy. - No.
- Do you give? - No.
Do you give?
You love me?
Yes.
[grunting]
[groaning]
What the hell?
I couldn't stop them.
You look nice.
Thanks.
What?
- What are you doing? - Um... Nothing.
Let's go.
Sorry.
Oh, God.
It is not what you think.
I hope it was worth it.
You really should check your messages.
Look, it'll be OK.
No, it won't.
Oh, this is a nightmare.
This is not happening.
[sputters]
Are you kidding me?
We conduct a nationwide manhunt for you,
and you're boning the suspect?
What did you think this was, a joke?
"Let's divert federal resources and man hours
so I can have my collegiate lesbian fling in style."
I was doing research.
I'll bet.
Treason. Consorting with the enemy.
Aiding and abetting.
[laughs cynically]
I'm going to be the laughingstock
of the entire intelligence community.
I am going to send you so far away
that luxuries like toilet paper and Diet Coke
will be as a distant dream to you.
Ms. Petrie.
Is somebody talking to me?
Because that would be extremely ill-advised right now.
Ms. Petrie, this infraction is a considerable embarrassment
to you and the Academy, right?
Have I not been speaking in English?
Well, there is a way that we can turn it all around.
Explain.
Make Amy D.E.B. of the year next week at endgame.
Nobody knows what happened tonight but us.
What good would it do to send Amy to Siberia? Nothing.
Your pride and joy will be disgraced, and for what?
Exactly.
So here's what we're gonna do.
Tomorrow we're gonna go to class,
and we're gonna report that we rescued Amy from Lucy
just in the nick of time.
And Amy is gonna act traumatized but cool.
And she will go to endgame on Saturday with Bobby.
And she'll give a speech about how she battled Lucy
and lived to fight another day.
And you, Ms. Petrie,
will get another feather in your cap.
And we don't lose a valued member of our team.
But she's obviously in love with our nemesis.
How can I make sure she won't run off again?
Well, let's ask her.
The Amy that I know
wouldn't sell out her friends and her country
for some supervillain.
The Amy that I know,
she must have been brainwashed or something.
Maybe Lucy was doing some type of experiments with mind control.
Because the Amy that I know
would never,
ever betray us like that.
You didn't know what you were doing, right?
Right.
And there's no way that you're in love with her?
No, no way.
Good.
And you'll keep our secret?
Are you kiddin'? No way I'm tellin'.
Perhaps we can chalk this up to the indiscretions of youth.
I underestimated you, Brewer.
Good work. I'll remember this
when I review applications for the International Bureau.
Have Miss Bradshaw vetted
for any information she may have on Lucy Diamond's whereabouts.
She is to be placed on round-the-clock lockdown,
only out for missions and class.
Be grateful you have friends who care for you.
Too bad it's more than they can say for you.
- Max... - No.
D.E.B.S. stick together.
But do not misunderstand me, I do not forgive you.
Max.
You! I don't even wanna look at you.
You let me go on this whole time
believing that she was in trouble.
You can forget about that recommendation.
Well, you're not as boring as I thought,
but you are not as bright either.
- Bobby... - Don't.
Janet, I am so sorry.
All I ever wanted was to earn my stripes.
[crying] Because I believe in it, you know?
I believe in what we do.
And now...
[* Be Like Water playing]
Where is Lucy now?
I don't know.
Are you gonna see her again?
* Don't get bummed
* Don't sell out, don't give in *
* Don't f... your best friend
* If everything is just the way it should be *
* Why am I, why am I still hungry? *
* Don't be shy, don't shut your eyes *
* Don't get high, expand your mind *
* Don't keep in touch, don't touch your soul *
* Don't get along and be somebody else *
* When everything is bad as it can be *
- Hey. - Hey.
* Never be, never be... *
So, uh, you and me going to endgame together?
Yeah. I guess.
I still love you.
I know you still love me, too.
Yeah.
My dad got this on a drug bust in Malaysia.
Listen.
I've been thinkin'.
That whole lezzy thing, it's kinda hot.
See you tonight, babe.
You did the right thing.
[Lucy] Hey.
How do you do that?
For a top-secret installation,
your security really is for shit.
- You can't be here. - Oh, I know.
You say you can't see me, and then I see you anyway.
It's kinda this little game we play.
- Get out. - Look, is this about your friends?
Because if it is, I can just talk to them, you know.
We can work out some sort of detente-type thing.
I said get out. I'm warning you.
- Amy. - [alarm blaring]
You have to go now.
It's your stupid friends.
Why don't you just think for yourself for a change?
She's gone.
Are you OK?
[shrieks]
I thought you were different!
[door slams]
[tires screeching]
[device beeping]
She thinks I'm bad news?
Oh, I'll give her bad news.
- What are you doin'? - Australia's toast.
What's your beef with the Australians?
I don't like their attitude.
OK.
Hey.
Scud, I don't know how this happened to me,
but being bad doesn't feel good anymore.
Do you love her?
You're willing to give up all this,
life of crime, the whole nine yards?
Whatever it takes.
All right, then.
We're goin' in.
What?
We gots to get her back.
[* A Little Respect playing]
[lip-synching] * I try to discover
- * A little something to make me sweeter * - In a remarkable twist,
large sums of stolen money have been reappearing in bank accounts.
Authorities have been trying to determine
the location of these wire transfers,
however, have been unsuccessful at this time.
* I'm so in love with you
* I'll be forever blue
* That you give me no reason
* Why you're making me work so hard *
* That you give me no, that you give me no *
[both lip-synching] * Soul
* I hear you calling
* Oh, baby, please
* Give a little respect
* To me
* And if I should falter
* Would you open your arms out to me? *
* We can make love, not war
* And live at peace with our hearts *
* I'm so in love with you
The Louvre received a surprise package this morning,
a shipment of stolen paintings
estimated to be worth $15 million.
Insider sources say that the artwork was originally taken
by notorious supervillain Lucy Diamond.
* Don't you tell me no
* Soul
* I hear you calling
* Oh, baby, please
* Give a little respect
* To me *
She's out there somewhere.
It's time for plan B.
There's a plan B?
Yeah.
Gettin' ready for tonight?
Hey, Mr. P.
Tell me, Amy, how are you gettin' along?
OK, I guess.
You know, Amy, I found out that in this business,
there isn't much room for love.
Love requires trust, and trust requires honesty.
Mr. P., can I ask you a question?
- Of course. - I got a perfect score on the secret test in the SAT.
Yes, you did.
- But what does that test measure? - I'm sorry?
I mean, Dominique is a sex addict.
Janet, she has a couple of shoplifting convictions.
Max? Well, she's borderline psychotic.
But nothing in my past indicated that I'd be good at being a spy.
So why did I get a perfect score?
The test measures your ability to lie.
You are a perfect liar.
- Oh. - Don't get me wrong.
Perfect liars make perfect spies.
The rest we can teach,
but subterfuge, that comes naturally.
Look, have fun tonight.
Endgame only happens once a year.
Enjoy yourself.
[* Viva La Fever playing]
* Everybody get high
* If you're ready or not
* Don't let the temperature drop *
* Don't stop, don't stop don't stop, don't stop *
* The block is hot
* Can't seem to cool down
* Give it all you got
* Viva la fever
* Icicles drop *
OK, what's the plan?
There's security here, here and here.
We'll infiltrate through the rooftop
and take out this set of guards here,
go through these vents, rappel down the elevator shaft,
and then bungee-jump down to the dance floor.
OK, check. What next?
Uh...
"Tell her that you love her."
Scud, that's your plan?
That's not a plan!
War is easy. Love is hard.
OK, so how's this?
"My tour of duty behind enemy lines
has taught me to remain vigilant to my core values.
Bravery, loyalty and justice.
And so it is a great honor for me to accept this award..."
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
What if she really loves her?
I mean, what if Lucy makes her happy?
If you were really her best friend,
you'd probably let her go.
You can't decide matters of the heart.
It is madness to try.
It's time.
OK, so I just wrote down a couple of words
explaining our version of what happened
and expressing your gratitude at being honored.
And I'm sorry that we've been fighting.
It's just, I really want what's best for you.
I know.
All right. Your speech.
[* dance music playing]
Attention, D.E.B.S.!
Dudes!
Once in a blue moon,
an exceptional young lady comes along
who truly exemplifies what it means to be a D.E.B.
Discipline. Energy. Beauty.
Lucy Diamond's been spotted infiltrating the...
Secure every entrance to this place, every floor.
Nobody gets in or out without my say-so.
Game over, Diamond.
I have spent my life
defending this great country of ours,
and I have learned one thing,
that sometimes it's not on the battlefield
where true courage is shown.
Amy Bradshaw survived one of the worst tragedies
that could happen to a young lady.
Kidnapped,
held hostage
for seven terrible days.
Matthews here.
We're not seeing her.
Look again!
What fears she may have known,
none of us can fully appreciate.
But she has agreed to tell us part of what she learned
on her journey.
It gives me great pleasure tonight
to give our greatest honor,
the Mary Jane,
to our very own perfect score,
Amy Bradshaw!
[man whistling]
Courage.
"Courage" is a big word.
I did not know what courage meant to me
until I endured seven agonizing days in...
...captivity.
[inaudible]
Captured and held hostage by a madwoman.
Report.
[agent] We've got nothing here.
[metallic clunking]
It was a routine mission gone terribly wrong.
[radio squawking]
I was separated from my squad and knocked unconscious.
[metallic clunking]
I awoke in the arms of the enemy.
[bullets ricocheting]
Just the sound of my desperate thoughts to keep me company.
If there is corruption in this city,
Lucy Diamond is behind it.
If there is indecency to be found,
she is the root.
If there is evil in this world,
its name is Lucy Diamond.
Um...
It's not until moments like this
when you are forced to take stock of yourself
that you see what you are made of.
It's not until moments like this
when you have to remember what's right and true.
Because it's moments like this when you discover
what it truly means to be a D.E.B.
Which is why I can't accept this award from you tonight.
- [crowd gasping] - Because the truth is,
the time I spent with Lucy Diamond
were the happiest days of my life.
And the only brave thing I've done this whole time
is what I'm doing now.
So if you'll excuse me,
I have a date with the devil.
Oh, my God!
Was that in the speech?
No, that's not in the speech.
[gun clicks]
[both grunting]
[groans]
Son of a...
Hostile has escaped and is on the run
heading towards sector 12.
It's Lucy Diamond! She's here!
Everybody, run for your lives!
[all screaming]
Let's do this.
[inaudible] Oh, shit.
- We've gotta stop meeting like this. - I'm so sorry.
I didn't even know what I was do...
[door opening]
[Max] Get a room.
You are AWOL, soldier.
Max, please.
- Freeze! - Scud!
- Yeah? - Not helping!
My bad.
Can't you see
she's breaking up the D.E.B.S.?
What did I tell you the first time I met you?
"High-protein diets are overrated."
After that.
That we'd always be friends.
I meant it.
Max!
If you break her heart, I will hunt you down and kill you.
Deal.
I'm counting on you to keep her honest.
I will.
[gun firing]
You guys better get going.
I never really liked you, but...
I'm sad to see you go.
So where are you going to?
I think Barcelona.
I'll miss you.
- Can I have your room? - Sure.
OK.
Rule the school.
I always do.
There's a service exit that way.
Good luck.
And, Amy!
Be careful.
- Which way did they go? - They went that way.
Don't say I never gave you nothin'.
My stripes?
- Really? - Really.
- Thank you! - You're welcome.
OK, OK. That's enough, that's enough.
OK.
So I was wondering if maybe you wanted...
Yes!
I didn't ask you anything yet.
Whatever it is, yes.
Awesome.
[* Into The Morning playing]
* Thinking of you, yeah, I'm thinking all day *
* Think of your kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss on my lips *
* I'll remember this always
* Got the goofiest grin got a big smile on my face *
* Hey, you, let's get out, out, out, of this place *
* Grab my hand, let's go
* Say it's young love at its best *
* And I tell you I remember
* Breaking you out through your bedroom window *
* Sneaking you into my parents' house *
* Staying out all night
* Into the morning, into the morning *
* Breaking you out through your bedroom window *
* Sneaking you into my parents' house *
* Staying out all night
* Into the morning
* Until the sun comes up and ruins it all *
* Monday morning, first class, ditch it *
* We'll hang out, out, out in the parking lot *
* Only the two of us
* When we get to the stars come up late and watch them *
* And it looks just like the one in your eye *
* Grab my hand, let's go
* Young love at its best
* And I tell you I remember
* Breaking you out through your bedroom window *
[* When Do You Play playing]
* Ross' first trip of the day is going nuts *
* He sure needs some rest when he comes home after the day *
* She takes care of the home that he cares about *
* She waits for him in the bed *
* But he's asleep before she starts *
* Kate just wants to be heard
* Ross can't understand why she's so upset *
* About the time and trouble
* He sure needed some rest, she loves him to death *
* Sex isn't the base of every good relationship *
* Every good relationship
* Hey, there's one day
* When do you play, you play? *